Chapter 10

The ongoing saga of Council Folk

(There are links to chapters 1 - 9 at the bottom of the page)

 

Home Straight

By Lucilius

 

The ceremonial elections for the Governor and Council of the Democratic Republic of Transfluvia, a traditional event held every four years, forms the only agenda item for a Cabinet meeting in the Katchwimen Palace. Cllr Rutt, Director of the Department of Heritage Destruction rides a new electric cargo trike, the Kakkoe Pike-E. Its 300 litres volume capacity cargo box is half full of election pamphlets. The other half of the load is Cllr Lickspital, Director of the Department of Information Obfuscation (which greatly exceeds the maximum load of 80kg). They have been playing their favourite game of running down pedestrians on the pavement, before coming to a halt and parking the trike in the flower bed of the Palace. Rutt struggles to get his breath back, as the batteries had run out near the stadium and he had had to cycle the last kilometre. Berlaymont, Governor Gobbets’ personal coiffeur (“Be-Lay” Gobbets calls him/she/they) is hurriedly leaving the Parabolic Office as they arrive at the Palace for the meeting. Vice Governor Axel Hammer has just arrived with his alter ego, Herman the Rottweiler. Rutt and Lickspital knock, enter and genuflect.

 

Rutt:
Oh, Governor Gobbets, you Excellency, you look a little out of sorts.

Hammer:
Hermann has just torn the arse out of Berlaymont, the Governor’s personal coiffeur. [Hermann wags his tail.]

Lickspital:
Oh dear, I do hope Be-Lay will be OK in time to fix your hair-do for the elections.

Gobbets:
Yes, he’ll be OK. It’s just a bit awkward. President Mycronie recommended Be-Lay to me, you remember.

Rutt:
But President Mycronie must be delighted. Your advice has just won the Presidential Election for him.

Gobbets:
I was straight on the hot-line to him. I told how well I had done, and I was going to use the same tactics: steal the opposition’s good ideas, blame them for your bad ones and above all, tell the people that they are going to have what is good for me. Great ideas, I said, what has won victory for you will win victory for me.

Rutt:
What did he say?

Gobbets:
Something about “tant pis”. Google Translate says it means something about his aunt having too much to drink. Clearly he has invited me to toast both our victories when we next meet for a friendly game of underwater pétanque.

Lickspital:
I ordered all the EU flags to be flown over Transfluvia, for Mycronie’s victory, and ready for ours when we get the ceremonial stuff of the elections out of the way.

Hammer:
Why do we have to waste all this effort on elections? Why don’t we simply do the same as we do when we have the consultations, find out what the people want and then do the opposite? So much easier that way. In any case, we can run the meetings of the Grand Council as per normal. Turn off the opposition mikes … and never allow a vote.

Gobbets:
Yes, but it’s all a nice bit of theatre. Keep the plebs happy. Let them think they count. They have a day out, meet their friends.

Lickspital:
I’ve got the first run of election pamphlets down in the electric cargo trike; from my Department of Information Obfuscation, fully funded from taxes. Tells them what we’ve done.

Hammer:
To business then, what’yer said?

Lickspital:
Item 1, Handling of Pandemic. Painted nice rainbows in road instead of dowdy zebra crossings.

Rutt:
My idea, cheered ‘em all up. Great use of Federation funds. Usual moaners though, those who got run over because motorists didn’t seem to understand they were crossings.

Gobbets:
Motorists! Why do we suffer them?

Lickspital:
Item 2, 20kph Speed Limits. Popular with cyclists, protects them if they should need to get away from all the electric scooters on the pavements.

Gobbets:
And we can easily overtake motorists without having to wait until they have to stop at red lights.

Lickspital:
Item 3, Achieved Total CPZ. Under our administration, no motor vehicles can legally park in Transfluvia.

Rutt:
Except demolition vehicles and Councillors’ electric limousines.

Lickspital:
Item 4, Pea Green Improvements. We have stripped out the trees to enable fully open-air latrines.

Hammer:
We had some whingers about that too. Do you remember how we took a few crates of Piat D’Or best plonk down there to celebrate Transfluvia’s application to join the EU?

Gobbets:
[Laughing] What was it you said when the whingers complained?

Hammer:
We were having a “pee at door”! It was so funny.

Lickspital:
Hmm. Item 5, Doubly Joyous Gardens. Big one this. I’ve written how popular this is, except with the 3% don’t knows and the 97% idiots who didn’t want it. We’ve used their money, to buy their land, from their charity, and some are still ungrateful.

Rutt:
Hard to believe isn’t it? They are going to get lots of clean concrete instead of those filthy trees. We are bringing in nice rich people to buy flats there. Plus they get an exciting new bijoux underwater playground for the kids.

Gobbets:
You’ve done a good job there. Are there any more Items?

Lickspital:
Yes, 74. I’ve told them about how safe we’ve made Transfluvia. We’ve banned pedestrians from the pavements to make more room for electric scooters and motor bikes, made dangerous praying in public illegal, and warned them against the danger of men. My admirers in the Department of Information Obfuscation have said it is “pure hyperbole”

Gobbets:
You’ve done a job to be proud of. But what about the Opposition’s propaganda?

Hammer:
They haven’t got any. Can’t afford it from their own money. Anyway they’ve only put up a few schoolboys and a couple of geriatrics. It’ll be a push-over. Nevertheless, let’s rub their noses in it and deliver your trike full of pamphlets, Lickspital.

Lickspital:
Can’t I afraid. The trike won’t start. Not enough sun to power up the batteries.

Rutt:
Maybe the turbines on the roof will start up. Lots of wind, that’s what we need. A lot of wind to deliver that stuff.

Hammer:
Right. Meeting officially closed at something a.m. Dammit, my solar watch won’t work either.

Gobbets:
Just going to give Mycronie a ring. I wonder if he would lend me his chest wig for the electioneering. Where’s Be-Lay gone?

 

This article was first published in Edition 286 (pages 6 & 7) on 29th April 2022

 

 

 

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